Love's greatest lesson
by JenLeeHa
Summary: In simple words: Love is a selfish bitch and Dean Winchester will find himself in a situation he thought he would never be in.
1. Prologue

A/N: Hello lovely fellas and welcome to my first multichapter Destiel/Supernatural fanfiction!

First of all I want to let you know that English is not my first language and this story is not beta'd! I wanted to find one, but I could not so please bear with my mistakes. (Still searching for a Beta Reader :3 Just FYI)

I'm working on this story for almost a year now. I already have written 8 chapters and I dunno how much more will follow. All I can tell is that I'm not near the end, but I have a big plan ;) Also planning on updating this story every week. Right now I have to learn A LOT for my upcoming finals, hence I'm not able to write more, but I think a chapter per week should work out perfectly.  
This story is inspired by the awesome book 'Tuesdays with Morrie' from Mitch Albom. If you don't know the book or the author...shame on u! Nah, kidding, but srsly, google him. He is awesome. His works are awesome.

I really tried my best to research the illness and I apologize in advance if I did something wrong. Also, I do take this illness very serious and if I'm going to insult someone in some way I'm really sorry, that was not my intention, but it is necessary for the plot of this story.  
This story contains a Major Character Death. So if you're not comfortable with this you should stop here and never read this story. I cannot promise this story not to be heartbreaking. lol that sounded pretty dark, but believe me there'll be a lot of fluff and love and great lessons :) So it's not going to be thaaaaaaat heartbreaking. As already said.. it's necessary for the plot.

Another research I did was about Sammy's education. I'm really bad with the educational system of the US so if I did a mistake please let me know and I'm gonna try to correct it.

Sarah Blake only looks like we know her from Supernatural, but I changed her character for the story. So she'll be more an OOC. Got big plans for her :)  
I'm not sure about Sam and Charlie's relationships. I kinda have a plan for Sam, but maybe it'll change. Depends on how you guys react to some stuff :)

What else can I say? Maybe I should stop talking right now and let you guys read the story.  
Soo.. well.. if you have any questions just ask me and I'm trying to answer them as best as I can...  
I hope you will like it cause it means pretty much to me.  
All what is left to say is..  
Enjoy the story!

JenLee 3

* * *

Prologue

Love is not an emotion you can control.  
It happens at the weirdest places, at the weirdest times and also with a person you think you'd never fell in love with.  
Love is not interested in time.  
It happens when it wants to happen and even then you cannot control it.  
You cannot control the moment it starts or, even worse, when it shall end.  
Love does not care about the fact that you do not want to fall in love with somebody. Even though you are trying your best to ignore your feelings it laughs at you.  
'As if you can get rid of me. As if you can win.'  
In simple words:  
Love is a selfish bitch and Dean Winchester will find himself in a situation he thought he would never be in.

But let's start at the beginning. Every story has a beginning and Dean's own story starts in High School.

Dean always have had a problem with finding friends. It's not because of his personalty, on the contrary. Everyone loved him. Let it be his look or his 'I-don't-give-a-fuck-attitude', Dean was pretty popular in High School. He just had a problem with getting too attached to someone. To be utterly honest, he was scared. Too scared to care for someone deeply. The younger boy knew it would not last long. A strong friendship would break. Hell, even his family broke.

It wasn't always like this, though. Dean was a happy and cheerful child. He loved his Daddy and Mommy, Uncle Bobby and Aunt Ellen, but most of all he loved his new little brother Sam (or Sammy how he started to call him). His family was everything he needed in his life. His family was his life.

On November 2nd 1983 Dean's peaceful life ended with the death of his beloved mother. Nobody knew how it happened, but there was fire everywhere. Dean was 4.

After that day Dean not only lost his mother, but also his father. John Winchester was convinced that Mary has been murdered. In his eyes the fire was not _just an accident_.

He watched his father losing himself day after day. John began to drink. He has never been able to get over his wife's death.

After a year, when Dean was 5 and Sammy 1 ½ , John left to find the murderer.

Since then Dean and Sam lived with their Aunt Ellen and Uncle Booby. Dean never understood why his dad left them. He never understood why John was not the dad he used to be. A lovely and carrying man, who loved his family. He just left.

Of course Dean loved his aunt and uncle, too. He had a halfway happy childhood and it was the best for Sam, but Dean wanted his old family back. He wanted his mother and father back, his old house, his old life. But it never happened.

So why would a friendship last longer than his own family?

That is the reason why Dean only had a few friends in High School. Well, as a matter of fact two. His cousin Jo and his best friend Charlie. Dean did not mind a bit. He was okay with that. The less the better.

The life of the young Dean Winchester changed again during his junior year, when he met a calm and dorky boy named after an angel. They became best friends.

Dean and his new friend Castiel or Cas ( _'Dude, Castiel is a mouthful. I'll call you Cas.')_ were inseparable since they became friends. There was not a day where they did not do something together. For the first time after his mother's death he was happy again.

But life is cruel and his happiness ended with their graduation. Their ways parted and they lost contact.  
It was the third time that someone important left his life. Dean was marked for his life now. He would never ever get too attached to someone again. He would never talk about his feelings anymore. And, most important : he would never fall in love with someone. That was his life now and it was okay.

Funny thing that love does not care what Dean Winchester wants.

This is a story about death and life, family and friendship, happiness and loss, angels, but most important love.


	2. Chapter 1

A/N: Here's the first chapter. I'm going to update this story every Wednesday :)

Not beta'd.

Enjoy

JenLee 3

* * *

Chapter 1

It was a normal day like every other. The alarm clock went off at 5:00 in the morning. A 30-year-old man groaned. He really was not a morning person, but he was on early shift the whole week. It took him 15 more minutes and the urge to pee to finally get out of bed. It took him another half an hour to get ready.

The man ran his hand through his still wet hair and looked at the clock. 5:45. He still had 15 minutes before he had to leave. Enough time to relax for a little bit.

With a moan he sat down on his beloved coach and checked his phone. There was one unread message. He read the message and grinned.

 _Hey Jerk. I think I forgot my laptop yesterday. Would you mind to drop it off before you're heading to work? I know you're on early shift. I'll be up. Just let me know when you're here._

Dean looked at the table in front of him. There it was. Sammy's precious laptop. That little nerd never left his dorm room without it. He sighed and got up. 5:50. He should leave now if he wanted to grand his little brother's wish.

 _I'm on my way. Be there in 15. Better you got some pie for me, bitch._

Dean grabbed Sam's laptop, his keys and his dad's old leather jacket and left his apartment. It was early spring hence still a little cold outside to be without a jacket. He hurried to his beloved car, a '67 Chevy Impala.

"Good morning, Baby. It's time to leave for work." With a tenderly pat on the hood he got into his car, put the laptop on the passenger side and checked his phone again if his brother had answered. Of course he had. Sam was always a person, who would answer immediately.

 _Dude, it's 6 in the morning. Nobody eats pie at 6 in the morning. Gross._

 _It's never to early for pie. And it's afternoon somewhere. So shut your cake hole and love me some pie, Sammy._

Dean did not wait for an answer. He started his car and was heading to Stanford University.

He liked it in California. The people where nice, the weather was (most of the time) warm, the city was beautiful, his job was good and most important of all he lived close to his brother. The green-eyed man loved his little brother more than everything. Sam was the only blood related family he still had. Of course family doesn't end with blood for Dean. His uncle taught him that every day when he lived in Sioux Falls, but he still needed that little 'blood thing' to feel happy and Sam made him happy. Hell, Sam made him more than happy. He also made him proud. His little brother was a genius. A big nerd, but fucking intelligent. He got a full ride scholarship into Stanford and was studying law. Dean knew that Sam's head was not that big without a reason. That moose will become an awesome lawyer some day.

Dean was not stupid either, but he never went to university. His job was not the best in the world, but that does not matter to him. He simply loved it. He loved it to help sick people, to make them feel better and to bring some joy into their life, when family or friends left them behind because of their sickness. Hell yes, Dean loved it to be nurse. And he was a goddamn sexy nurse.

There was not a permanent woman or man in Dean's life. He always has some ONS, not more. He was not the type of falling in love with somebody and spend the rest of his life with that person. Dean Winchester was not a man of commitments.

His cousin Jo once asked him, if he did not feel lonely. Of course he told her no. His life was perfect the way it was. No relationships, no commitments, no loss, no pain.

Deep inside he knew he lied. Dean was lonely in one point. He'd love to wake up next to a warm body and he also would love to come home to his lovely apartment and be greeted by someone he deeply cared about.

But he was too afraid to open himself up to someone. He was afraid of getting hurt again. So he buried those feelings deep inside of him and told everyone, most important himself, that he does not need a partner.

It took Dean 10 minutes instead of 15 to be in front of Sam's dormitory. He took his phone, ignored Sam's _'It's SAM.'_ , told him that he's there and got out off the car.

After a few minutes the front door opened, and a huge guy with long hair walked towards Dean.

"Dude, where's the pie?"

Sam rolled his eyes. "Good morning to you too, Dean. Do you really think I've got some pie in my room? But I made you a coffee, I bet you were to lazy to make one yourself." The younger man passed Dean a cup of freshly brewed coffee.

A small grin appeared on Dean's face. Yes, he loved his brother.

"Bitch."

Sam laughed and boxed his older brother lightly on the shoulder. "You're welcome, Jerk. You've got my laptop?"

"Passenger seat", he told him, while taking a gulp of coffee. It was good and he started to finally wake up.

"Thanks man. You really saved me. I need to hold a presentation tomorrow and I can't do any research without it."

"Don't worry, but I need to go. Shift starts in half an hour and I still need to get my breakfast because a specific person did not bring me pie."

Sam throw bitch face #26 at Dean, while the older one got into his car again.

"Y'know, your face will stay that way if you're using that bitch face too long. See ya, Sammy!"

Before Sam could give Dean an answer, the motor started and the Impala went around the corner. He only heard a quiet _"GROW UP! AND IT'S SA-"_

Dean laughed. Yes, it was a normal day.

* * *

"Good morning, bitch. Why so happy?"

Dean just checked in, when his best friend from High School, Charlie Bradbury, appeared out of nowhere. She also decided to move to California and became a nurse. Charlie was the little sister Dean never wanted to have, but loved nonetheless. She was one of the few, who still were part of his life and would not leave him voluntarily.

"Nothing, just stopped at Sam's before work."

"Don't tell me he forgot his electronic girlfriend again."

"10 points to Gryffindor."

The red-haired woman laughed. "Dude, if he ever gets a girl- or boyfriend I bet he will forget her or him, too."

Dean grinned. Charlie was 100 per cent sure that Sam was at least bi. Her 'gay-radar' told her so. He did not mind a bit. Sam could love whoever (or whatever) he wants to love. At the moment it was his laptop.

"Well, if she or he is hot I wouldn't mind if he forgets him or her at my place."

Charlie rolled her eyes. "Come on, tiger. Let's get started. Our patients are waiting for us, especially Mrs. Anderson."

Now it was Dean's time to roll his eyes. He liked Mrs. Anderson. She was a lovely old lady, who kinda saw her deceased husband in him. It was kinda cute, though.

The older women loved Dean. He was always good for a playful flirt and the ladies loved to get at least a bit of attention from a good looking man like Dean.

Yes, Dean knew he was good looking. Hell, he was fucking gorgeous. He was tall, well build, had sandy blond short hair, green eyes, full pink lips and adorable freckles. The men and women loved it. It would be a shame if he would not use his good look to get laid some times.

But not only the elderly people loved him, no. Dean was loved by the younger patients, too. They saw him like a big brother and he did everything to give those children the feeling of being loved and cared.

He throw his arm around his best friend. "Come on. Let's bring some joy into someones life!"

"Aye, aye captain!"

* * *

It was a long and exhausting shift. There have been a few emergencies, nothing really bad, but still exhausting. Then there were some new patients and some family conflicts. Dean had pretty much to do.

2:35pm. Finally. He can go home.

"Dude, what a stressful day. I cannot wait to get home, put my feed on the table, eat some ice cream and watch some Harry Potter. You're in?"

"Sounds good to me. Just lemme check out."

"Hurry up! Hermione is waiting for me."

Dean shook his head and searched for his employment pass.

"Hey, Dean! Dean! Wait!"

The 30-year-old turned around and saw how a floppy and thin man run towards him.

"What do you want Garth? My shift is over."

Garth, another nurse, looked at him desperately. "I know, I know and I'm sorry to ask you, but could you stay for another half an hour or longer? Benny got stuck in a traffic and can't be here in time. There is a new patient.. I don't remember his name. It was something strange. Poor guy has no one except of his older brother. Benny should check on him and do a little small talk before his older brother can come, but as I already mentioned, he is stuck in traffic. I would do it myself, but I have to see Dr. Mills. She-"

"Wow, wow! Calm down, Garth. It's okay. I'll do it. Just pass me his information and I'll do it."

"OH THANK YOU! I COULD HUG YOU! WHAT AM I SAYING? COME HERE!"

Before Dean could say anything against it he found himself in an awkward hug with Garth.

"Garth.. hey.. come on..this is embarrassing. Garth, stop it.. GARTH!"

"Sorry, sorry! Heat of the moment. Ehm, I don't have his papers with me, but he's in room No.415."

Dean's face fell. The fourth floor was only for patients, who are dying. Patients without any hope of a cure.

"Dean? Hello? You're with me?"

"What..? Eh, yes of course. Just tell Charlie that I can't make it. Ehm. Do you know what illness the patient has?"

Now it was Garth time to look uncomfortable. "FFI. Poor guy is only 30. We don't know how much time he has left.. it's so sad."

Dean bit is lip. FFI short for Fatal Familial Insomnia is a very rare disease of the brain. A not curable illness that involves worsening insomnia, which leads to hallucinations, delirium, and confusion states like that of dementia. The patient won't be able to tell the difference about reality and dream anymore. Usually it takes months before the body finally collapses and the patients dies.

"Okay, okay.. Ehm. I'll look after him. See ya, Garth." He patted the thinner man on the shoulder and headed towards the lifts, ignoring the concerned look.

Dean managed to avoid the fourth floor for as long as he can remember. He can handle much, but not death. Not loss.

The door of the lift closed and he took a deep breath.

'Come on Winchester. You can do it. It's just one day. This is Benny's patient. You won't see him ever again.'

When the door opened again Dean wore a false smile. He greeted the nurses and doctors of the fourth floor and went straight to the room, avoiding as much contact with dying patients as he can.

'Okay, Winchester. Do your fucking job. Don't look him into the eyes too much. Just do your job.'

He took one last breath before he knocked on the door. A gravelly voice told him to come in.

With a shaking hand he pushed the door handle down and entered the room, his eyes on the floor.

"Heya. My name is Dean Winchester, you can call me Dean. Your usual nurse can't make it in time, so I'm here to check on you, say hello and answer your questions if you have any."

There was silence. No answer. Dean still looked at the floor, to afraid to look into the face of that dying man.

"Dean..?"

His heart suddenly stops for a second and he hold his breath. That voice.. it was familiar. Much deeper and gravelly, but familiar. He knew that voice. He knew that guy. How could he ever forget him?

'Oh God, please.. no.'

Slowly he raised his head and locked eyes with the patient in front of him. He found himself starring into blue, so damn blue eyes.

'No.'

The man in front of him smiled. "It's really you. I can't believe it."

'Oh please, no.'

Dean couldn't speak. His brain totally blacked out.

'This can't be true. This is not happening.'

"It's been a long time, hasn't it Dean?"

The man was still smiling. How the fuck could he smile, when he knew that he will die?

Dean's heart hurt. Not again. It hurt so much when he lost him the first time, he can't do this another time. And suddenly he found his voice again. He never thought he would find himself say his name again. Now, here, at the fourth floor of Stanford's hospital, the 'death floor', he met him again. After over 10 years. The one person, who managed to get under his skin after so much happened in his life. The one person, who was able to read Dean like an open book. The one person, who Dean talked about his feeling with. His old best friend.

"Cas.."


	3. Chapter 2

A/N: Not beta'd.

Chapter 3 next Wednesday.

Let me know if you like it or if you have some improvment suggestions :3

Enjoy!

JenLee

* * *

Plenty of empty beer bottles lay in front of him on the floor, the table, everywhere. He felt like shit. Dean never wanted to be like his dad, but this was the easiest way to escape the world. Alcohol, lots of alcohol. It made him forget for a few hours, usually. Not today, though. Today nothing would help. He couldn't forget those blue eyes, that faint, familiar smile and this, even after over 10 years, messed up bed hair.

The moment he recognized his old best friend his good day crashed. His whole world had crashed. Why? Why exactly Stanford? Why here? Why today? Why him?

"Sonofabitch..", he slurred and took another gulp of beer. His phone rang again for the hundredth time. Sam or Charlie. Or maybe even Bobby, Ellen or Jo. He did not really care. Dean knew that they knew.

Like the good old friend Charlie was did she wait for Dean after Garth told her about the situation. She knew that Dean couldn't handle the 'death floor' pretty well.

After all she did not need to wait that long. Dean walked out of the lift 20 minutes later with an unreadable mask on his face. Charlie knew something happened the moment she saw him.

"What's wrong?"

"N'tning. Wanna go home." He passed her and headed to his car.

"Dean! Wait, stop! Tell me what happened! Dean!"

But he did not stop. He got into Baby and drove home, not without stopping at the next store and buying plenty of beer. He had to forget.

Dean was pretty sure that Charlie found out right after he left the hospital. She definitely went to that room to check the patient herself and, surprise surprise, will find Cas.

Little old Castiel Novak. Well, not so little anymore.

He moaned and took another gulp. Why did this happen? Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

"Dean? You're there? Charlie told me everything. I tried to call you, but you did not answer your phone."

Sammy. Of course he would come.

"Dean, please. I'm worried. I know you're there. Please open the door."

"Leavemealone.."

There was silence again. At first Dean thought Sam had left, but of course he was not that lucky.

The concern in Sam's voice has disappeared and his next question sounded hard.

"Did you drink again? Dean. Open. The. Fucking. Door. Now. Or I swear to god you'll have to buy a new one. I'm not kidding."

No answer.

"Don't do this again, Dean. You promised me not to do it again.. please.."

Dean groaned. He could see Sam's stupid puppy dog eyes through the door. Finally he got up and walked to the door. As soon as he opened it a bit Sam stormed inside, pushing Dean aside.

"What the hell, dude? How much did you drink?" He looked at the empty beer bottles. "Goddammit, Dean! You said you'd stop!"

The elder Winchester shrugged. "So I lied. Where's the problem?" It was hard to stand so he went back to the couch.

"Dean.." The hurt in Sam's voice urged him to meet his brother's eyes. They were full of concern, hurt and worst of all pity. He hated it. That's why he did not talk about feelings.

"Don't wanna talk 'bout it, Sammy."

Sam sighed and sat down next to his brother. "Better talking than drinking."

Dean chuckled a bit.

"This isn't funny. I'm serious. Talk to me."

"What do you want me to say?" He wanted to take another gulp, but Sam was faster and grabbed the beer bottle out of his hands.

"Don't be a child. Give me my bottle back."

"Who is the child right now, Dean? I'm not the one who tries to ignore my feelings by drinking them away."

Dean grumbled and closed his eyes, his hands running through his hair. "Just..don't. Let it be."

Another sigh. "Listen. I know it is hard for you, but please, please talk to me."

"What do you want me to say?" He was so tired.

"What happened?"

Dean laughed. "Don't play dumb. You exactly know what happened. It's him, okay? It's Cas, you're happy now?!" His voice raised. He did not wanna shout at his brother, but he was so damn...angry? Confused? Hurt? Scared?

He put his face into his hands. Sam did not say anything and Dean was thankful for that. He could not bear an _'I'm sorry.'_

After a moment the younger Winchester broke the silence again.

"Are you hungry? Shall I make something to eat?"

Dean just shook his head. "I just wanna be alone."

"Dean.. I-"

"Please. I won't drink anymore, okay? I promise, but please leave me alone."

To Dean's surprise Sam just nodded and stood up.

"Call me if you need anything, okay?"

He nodded.

"And..you know I'm there for you, right?"

A small smile crept onto Dean's face. "I know.. yeah, of course I know. Thanks, Sammy. Don't worry to much, I'll live. Go home and learn for your whatever you have to hold tomorrow."

"It's a presentation and I'm already done with it. Call me tomorrow, okay?"

"Will do."

"Love you, Dean."

"Love you, too, Sammy."

Sam smiled a bit before leaving Dean's apartment. Finally alone again. He moaned and stood up. It was pretty late and he was damn tired. That day was too stressful. With his last bit of strength he walked towards his bedroom, undressed himself and fell into his bed. He just needed some sleep. Maybe everything was just a stupid dream. Maybe everything will be normal when he wakes up tomorrow.

Dean felt how sleep took over him. He dreamed of blue eyes this night.

* * *

Of course nothing was better when Dean woke up to his alarm.

"Son of a bitch..." Working with a fucking hangover will not make things easier. The fact that Charlie was waiting in front of his apartment did not make things easier either.

The look on her face was vicious. Sam called her.

"Listen, Charlie", he started as he approached her.

"No, you listen to me, young man. Do not do this ever again. You hear me?" She poked her finger into his chest. "I was fucking worried about you after you stormed out of the hospital yesterday! It was like you've seen a ghost! Why do you always have to be a douchebag?!"

"I'm sorry."

"You should be more than sorry! Oh and the next time you decide to ignore my calls, I swear to everything what's mighty, I'll kill you. Got it?!"

"Yes."

"I'm serious, Dean."

Dean raised an eyebrow. "Hello Sirius, I'm Dean. The last time I've seen you you had some facial hair and since when do you have red hair?"

Charlie blinked at him, but couldn't hold her giggles any longer. He was happy that she was not that mad at him. She was just worried.

"Get into the car. You're not driving today."

Without any other words, Dean got into Charlie's car.

It was a silent ride, but Dean desperately wanted to know what happened after he left the hospital yesterday.

"So..", he started.

"So?"

"You saw him?"

Charlie went numb for a second, but nodded.

"Did you talk to him?"

Another nod.

"Cool."

"You're going to see him again?"

Was he? Dean never thought about it. Cas and he used to be best friends, but that was ages ago. How did he know that he's the same anymore?

"He is."

"Excuse me?"

Charlie's eyes were glued on the road. "I talked with him for over an hour yesterday. He did not change a bit. He's still that dorky dude we used to know." She smiled. "You know. He really was happy to see you again. He really felt bad for not staying in contact with you. He never thought he'd see you again before he d-"

"Don't."

Charlie bit her lip. "I'm sorry.. I didn't thought..I.."

"Hey, it's okay. You didn't say it, right? So it's okay."

A nod was all he got as an answer. They did not speak for the rest of the ride.

* * *

Dean did not see Cas again for the next three weeks. He avoided every conversation about him, busied himself with tons of work and just ignored the urge to see him again. It was good. It was okay. It was normal again.

He may have suffered the first day (a week, he suffered for a week - okay maybe a little bit more), but after week two everything's been gone back to normal. Sam and Charlie stopped trying to make him talk about his feelings. God, how he hated those chick-flick moments.

Of course it couldn't stay like that.

It's been a day like every other. He was on early shift again. He visited his usual patients, flirted a bit with Mrs. Anderson, played with the kids. Ate, laughed, had fun.

It was 2.45pm when he checked himself out. Dean grabbed his stuff and headed towards the exit. The moment he wanted to turn around the corner he heard Dr. Roché talking. He stopped in his tracks when he heard the familiar name.

"I'm sorry Mr. Novak, but this is all we can do for him."

Dean's good mood dropped for another time. He knew he should not overhear the conversation, but he couldn't move either. He leaned against the wall and listened to Dr. Roché talking to one of Cas's relatives. What did Garth say? The only relative Cas has left is his big brother? So Balthazar was talking to..

"This has to be a fucking joke. You tell me I should watch my baby bro die? Do nothing, just letting him die?!"

 _Gabriel_.

"Mr. Novak, please. We really try our best to save your brother's life, but at the moment we cannot do much. This illness is really rare and we don't have a cure against it. It takes us some time to figure something out."

"Oh, if you haven't noticed yet. He _DOESN'T_ have _TIME_. I don't care what you figure out, but just fucking do something!"

"I ask you to calm down, Mr. Novak. There are other patients here. If you can't calm down I must ask you to leave the hospital. As I already mentioned we're doing our best to save Castiel, but we need you to trust us and acknowledge our decisions."

Gabriel snorted. "Whatever man."

Balthazar nodded. "If you excuse me. I need to check on our other patients."

The smaller man just waved his hands. Dean still has not moved a bit. He heard how Dr. Roché has left. What should he do now? Talk to Gabe? Wait until he's gone, too?

"You can come out of your hiding spot, Dean-o."

"What..?"

"Oh come one. Do you really think I didn't notice you?"

Dean pushed himself of the wall and turned around the corner. There he was. Gabriel Novak or Castiel's older (and obsessed with sweets) brother. He hasn't changed that much. He still was the midget Dean once knew. His hair was a little bit longer, but still had the same honey color. He looked older, though. Older and exhausted.

"Long time no see, Dean-o. How have you been?"

"Good, I guess. And you?"

Gabe grinned, but it did not reach his eyes. "Same old, same old. A lot of things happened, but I think you know the worst."

Dean just nodded.

"He talks about you, y'know. Not only now since he knew that you're a nurse here. I know it's been a long time and a lot has happened between you two, but believe me when I say he's never forgot you. Don't do this, Dean. Don't ignore him. We don't know how lon-"

"No. Don't say it."

Gabriel remained silent.

"I.. I need.. My shift is over. I'm heading home now. It was nice to see you again, Gabriel."

The older Novak just nodded.

Dean passed him, his hands clenched into fists.

"One more thing, though." Gabriel waited for an answer. Dean stopped and only gave him a small nod to continue.

"He misses you."

Dean's heart sank, his fists loosened. He just stand there, eyes locked on the floor. Minutes have passed while both men have not said a word. Gabriel sighed. He unpacked a lolly (why does he always carry candy with him?!) popped it into his mouth and now it was his time to pass the taller man.

"I miss him, too." It was not more than a whisper and if Gabe had not passed him in that moment, he wouldn't have heard it.

"Y'know," he started. "He's not gone. You know where to find him. You don't have to miss him. See ya around, Dean-o. Oh! And give your moose of a brother a kiss from me!" And with those words Gabriel left the hospital and Dean alone with his inner conflict.

Should he do it?

His right hand wandered into his pocket towards his wallet. Its weight suddenly increased the moment he opened it and looked at the old picture. It was taken during their senior year. Cas was lying on top of a hill, laughing about one of Dean's stupid jokes and Dean smiled at him. Sam took it. It was a beautiful day. A Thursday in August.

Without noticing he found himself smiling at the picture. He knew what he had to do. With the picture in his hands he headed towards the stairs. The lift was too slow. He was determined and he couldn't risk anything that would change his mind again. Waiting for the lift was one of them. So he ran up the stairs, his heart hammering hard against is chest. After a few minutes he stood in front of Cas's door. He was out of breath and his heart was still beating in an unbelievably fast way.

'Now or never', he thought to himself. Without knocking he opened the door and went inside. Castiel was standing at the window, dressed in normal clothes. When Cas turned around his eyes widened. Dean could see how surprised he was by seeing him. He could see that Cas has never thought he'd see Dean again. Something inside of him hurt at the realization. It was just starring at the beginning. Dean still out of breath, breathing hard and fast with the picture in his hand and Castiel standing next to the window, looking disbelievingly at him. As if he was not real. Dean panicked for a bit. Was his illness that advanced? Was he not able to tell the difference between reality and dream anymore? But the moment he saw Castiel smile all his panic left his body. He felt himself smiling, too. Cas looked the same as always, not a bit sick. Only if you looked close enough, you could see the small exhaustion in his eyes. He took a step forward, Cas did the same and suddenly they were standing right in front of each other.

Cas was the first who broke the silence.

"I thought I'd never see you again."

Dean grinned. "Naaah. I just was being an idiot." His opponent laughed.

"As always."

Now it was Dean's time to laugh. "Yes, as always. But you know you can't get rid of me so easy. I told you before. I'm always coming back."

Castiel smiled. It was an honest and genuine smile. His eyes were shining. "Yes.. you really told me."

"Yes, I told you."

"You did."

"That's what I promised, Cas."

"Right.. you promised it.." The dark haired man looked onto the floor, his shoulders trembling a little bit.

"I'm sorry it took me so long."

When Cas locked eyes with Dean again, Dean could see small tears starting to form in Cas's blue eyes. His heart clenched.

"It's okay. I'm not mad at all. We both took the wrong way, but now we're here."

"Yes, we are."

"Can I hug you, Dean?"

Cas did not need to ask twice. In less than a second Dean wrapped his arms around the smaller man and hugged him like his own life depended on it. Cas hugged him back immediately. A little sob was escaping the smaller man's throat and Dean tightened his arms around his old best friend. He got him back. After over 10 years Dean finally had his best friend back and he swore to himself he would never let him go again. Not ever.


	4. Chapter 3

A/N: This is more like a filler chappy. Sorry for that, but this was kinda necessary for the plot.

In the next chapter Dean and Cas will finally talk about Cas' illness.  
As always: not beta'd, enjoy and thanks for reading!

JenLee 3

* * *

Dean rushed through the automatic doors of the hospital holding a brown paper bag in one hand and something to drink in the other. He waited for the lift, went inside and pushed the button for the fourth floor.

It's been three days since Dean faced his fears and went to see Cas. Since then he and Cas spent almost all of Dean's free time together. It's crazy, though. They haven't seen each other for over 10 years and only started talking to each other again three days ago. It's like they've never parted ways. It was awesome. Charlie has been right. Cas still was that dorky dude, who does not got a lot of references and his "people skills" were still a bit "rusty".

The doors of the lift opened.

"Hey brother, back again?"

"Of course. Can't let my best friend eat the stuff you're giving him."

"Ouch, you're hurting me."

Dean grinned. "How has it been today?"

Benny leaned against the wall. "Nothing special happened. It's been a pretty good day. As much as I love to talk to you brother work is calling. Don't let your boyfriend wait for you."

The green eyed man rolled his eyes. "He's not my boyfriend."

"If you say so. We need to get a drink or more together again."

"Sounds good to me. I got Sunday off, how about Saturday?"

"It's a date, hun. See ya."

Dean shook his head, laughed and headed to Castiel's room. He does not need to knock anymore.

"What's up Cas! I got us something to eat. Your favorite, cheeseburger! And of course some pie. It's cherry today."

"Hello Dean and thank you. The hospital food is not really the type of food I'd prefer."

"Duh. That's why I brought you those. I know, I'm awesome."

Cas smiled while Dean put the food and drinks on the table and unpacked them. "Get your ass over here."

The smaller man obeyed and walked over to the table, sitting down across from Dean.

"Here's your burger and fries and there's some soda if you want."

"Thank you."

"Don't worry, dude. How have you been?" He asked Cas, while taking a big bite of his greasy burger.

"Pretty good. I think I managed to sleep for four hours at a time this night and I'm not feeling that exhausted today."

Dean's face lightened up a bit. "That's good, right?"

Cas nodded and took a bite of his burger, too. After swallowing it he began to talk again. "But it'll be getting worse with the time. So I'm enjoying the sleep I get." A fry found its way into his mouth.

While Castiel was eating like nothing is wrong, Dean put his burger down to take a sip of his soda. They may have started to talk again and it really was like they've never parted ways, but Dean refused to talk about Cas illness. He does not wanna think about the fact that Cas will..

He shook his head to get rid of his thoughts and took another big bite.

"Gosh, I love this greasy stuff."

"I know what you mean. These make me very happy."

Dean snorted. "It's easy to make you happy."

"I don't need much to be happy."

"Yeah, you never did."

Cas locked eyes with Dean and grinned. The taller man returned the gesture. "Are you allowed to leave the hospital?"

"I think so. Why?"

Dean shrugged with his shoulders. "Dunno. Maybe we can do some stuff outside of this place."

 _I don't want to get reminded every time I visit you that you're gonna die._

"I'd like that very much, Dean. I'm going to ask Dr. Roché tomorrow."

"Awesome."

They both finished their burgers in silence. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, though. Dean and Cas used to remain silent once in a while. They did not use much words to understand each other. It was nice.

Dean was eating his pie when the door opened.

"Caaaaaasssssssssssssssssssiiiiiieeeee!"

"Gabriel."

"How is my favorite baby brother today?"

"I'm fine. Thank you."

"Deeeeean-oooo! Haven't seen you. Oh! Is that pie?"

"Don't you dare, Gabe! The pie is for Cas." He grabbed the second piece of pie before Gabriel could lay his hands on it.

"Don't be like that. I only wanna have a small piece."

"No."

"Caaasssssiiiie, your boyfriend is a douche."

"He's not a douche."

"I'm not a douche."

Both Cas and Dean answered in sync. Gabriel wiggled his eyebrows. "That's what annoyed you? The douche? Is there something you both wanna tell me?"

Castiel's cheeks started to get red and Dean had to grin. It was adorable when Cas gets flustered. _Wait, what. Adorable?_

"There is nothing, Gabriel. Dean and I are just friends."

"Just friends. Okay. Whatever. The reason I came is because I need to leave for a few days. Work. I'm sorry. I tried to reschedule it, but I couldn't."

"Don't worry. I'll be fine."

Suddenly the usually always happy Novak seemed truly concerned. "I'll be back as fast as I can. Don't you dare to.." His voice broke.

Castiel's face softened and he gave his brother a hug. "I'll be here. I promise." Gabriel just hugged his brother back.

Dean felt out of place. This was a intimate brotherly moment and here he was, sitting only a few meters away and eating pie.

"You." Gabriel's voice brought him back to reality.

"Me?"

"You'll look after him, got it?" He could see the seriousness in his eyes and he only nodded.

"Good. Well, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone. Need to pack some stuff. Love you, baby bro and see ya, Dean-o." He did not wait for an answer and disappeared.

"I've never thought I'd say that, but I kinda like your brother."

Cas chuckled. "Yes, yes I like him, too."

* * *

The bar was crowded, the music loud and Dean and Benny totally wasted. The perfect night.

"I swear to God, brother. I'll marry that woman. She is perfect."

Benny has told him about a woman named Andrea he met a few months ago. It sounded pretty serious the way Benny talked about her. Hell, he even talked about marrying her.

"And what about you? Did ya find a future Mr. or Mrs. Winchester?" he asked while taking a few sips of his beer bottle.

"Nah, you know me. Not the commitment type."

"Mhm."

Dean raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Don't take this the wrong way, brother, but I think you're lying to yourself. Wait, lemme finish my thought." He hold his hand up before Dean could interrupt him. "I see you at work. How you care for the children and with how much dedication you try your best to keep your old ladies happy. I think you love your job not only because you love to make others happy, but also because you making yourself happy, too. It's that what you want deep inside of you, brother. And I kinda thought you had a thing with that dude in the trench coat."

And suddenly the night was not that good anymore. "Oh shut up, Benny. I'm not in for your chick-flick moments. Hadn't had enough alcohol for that. I'm happy for ya. I really am. It's good that you found the one, but that ain't me. I don't need this whole love stuff. I'm happy if you believe it or not. And Cas is just a friend."

Benny knew when it was enough and Dean loved that about his friend. "If you say so, but believe me. Love does not give a fuck about your attitude."

"Don't worry. Love is too afraid of me to give it a try", he bitterly laughed and took a gulp of his whiskey. After that the chick-flick conversation was over and the night went back to awesome.

* * *

Dean woke up the next morning finding himself naked in a strangers bedroom without knowing how he got there. He took his stuff as quiet as he could and left the apartment. Damn, what a night. The last thing he remembered was the talk about love with Benny. After that: nothing.

He ran a hand through his hairs. What time was it? He took out his phone and found 5 unread messages. Two from Sam, one from Charlie and two from Cas.

He opened Sammy's messages at first.

 _Bobby called me today. They have something to announce. Come over tomorrow and he'll tell us._

 _Dude, you're coming or not?_

Huh? Something to announce? Must be important. He typed a short answer to his brother, telling him that he'll be there at 3pm.

The next text message he opened was Charlie's:

 _It's not your fault._

Dean stopped in his tracks. What was not his fault? A bad feeling overcame him and he hurried to Castiel's messages:

 _Hello Dean._

 _I hope I am not interrupting your time with Benny, but I have a favor to ask._

 _Would you mind coming by?_

 _Cas_

 _Dean?_

 _You are alright, aren't you? I do not have to worry, right? I am sorry if I asked for too much._

The message has been send only 2 hours ago.

"Son of bitch!" Dean put his phone back into his pocket and rushed to the hospital. Cas has always been to kind to ask for help, so if he did he really needed it. And then he started to worry about Dean because Dean has not answered.

"Damn it!"

Cas needed his sleep and because of Dean he did not got much this night. He must have messaged Charlie to ask about him.

"God fucking dammit!"

What when something happened to him? What when..? He couldn't finished his thought.

When Dean reached the hospital his hangover was long forgotten. He ran up the stairs, ignoring all the looks he got and stormed into Castiel's room.

"Ca-"

"Shuuuussshh..!"

Dean closed his mouth again and starred at Charlie.

"He fell asleep minutes ago", she whispered. "Be quiet."

He only nodded and approached Cas's bed as quiet as possible. His heart tightened when he saw Castiel's exhausted face. Cas has been awake for the whole night because he was worried about him. It was all his fault. Dean clenched his hands.

Charlie took one of his fists into her hands and gently loosened his hand. She pointed at the door and Dean nodded. Both left Cas's room.

"It's not you fault."

"It is."

"You couldn't have known."

"I should."

"Dean, you cannot know everything."

"No, I can't, but this is Cas!" Charlie hushed him. "I mean.. what if.. what if..." His voice broke and he hated how hurt he sounded.

The red hair woman looked at him pitifully. "Nothing has happened, he is okay. Just a bit exhausted, but at least he is sleeping now."

"He could have had more hours of sleep if he hadn't been worried about me."

"And again you couldn't have known. You have a life Dean, you can't always be there for him."

"I should."

"Dean.."

"No, listen Charlie. It's not because I MUST do it, it's because I WANT it, okay? He's my best friend and I love spending time with him and I know I do have other obligations, but he's first. He's priority."

When Charlie did not say a word Dean looked at her and regretted it immediately. Her eyes were big and full of tears, her hands folded against her chest.

"Woaaa?"

"You, Dean Winchester, you are so.. Nope, I won't say it."

"You won't say what?"

"Nothing", she grinned half-hearted and brushed her tears away. "It never stopped. After all those years." Now she was talking more to herself than to Dean.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Charlie shook her head. "Nothing, nothing. Come on. Go home and get some rest. You look like shit..well and you could need a shower."

"I'm no-"

"He is asleep Dean. You can't do much right now. Come back later. I'll be here, if he wakes up before you're back."

She was right. Cas was asleep and he really, really wanted to take a shower.

"Oh damn it." Dean groaned, remembering something.

"What?"

"I totally forgot that I need to head to Sammy's today. I'm sure he won't be mad if I'm not coming." He was searching for his phone, when Charlie grabbed his hands.

"No way, you're going to see your brother. Cas won't be alone okay? I'll let him know and when you've finished whatever you guys are doing you can come back. Got it?"

"Got it. Thank you, Charles."

"Don't worry. And now go!"

Dean grinned. "As you wish my Queen." Before he got into the lift he turned around for the last time. "Hey, Charlie. Why did Cas need help?"

The smile on Charlie's face disappeared and she looked uncertain. "It's not my place to tell you."

Even though he did not like the face Charlie made he only nodded. Cas will tell him later.

* * *

Sam passed Dean a glass of water, while both of them were waiting for Uncle Bobby's call.

"Did he say anything to you?"

Sam shook his head. "Only that he wants to talk to both of us. Seems to be something big. Good type of big."

The elder Winchester shrugged and took a sip of his water. Then, minutes later, Sam's phone was ringing. He immediately answered his phone and put it on speaker.

"Heya Bobby. Dean is here and you're on speaker."

"Hello idjits. How have you been?"

Both brothers grinned at each other.

"Same old, same old. And you, old man? Do you finally accept the fact that you're not the youngest anymore?"

"Watch your mouth, boy. I'm still capable of kicking that stupid ass of yours."

" _Bobby Singer! You better should watch your mouth!"_

Dean and Sam burst out into laughter. "I see Ellen still wears the trousers."

They could hear Bobby mumble something like 'idjits'. "Whatever, I need to tell you boys something."

Silence.

"We're waiting here, Bobby. What is it?"

"Ellen, Jo and I are moving to Stanford."

"You what?!"

"When?"

"Why?!"

"You don't have to scream. I'm not deaf."

"Not yet.." Sam throw a bitch face at Dean.

"I heard that Dean!"

Dean grinned. "But seriously. Why are you moving to Stanford?"

"Ellen and I were thinking about it for a long time now and Jo is thinking about going to Stanford, too. Well, she kinda got a scholarship like Sam. And now with both of you and Jo out there we decided to come along."

"Really? Jo will be attending Stanford, too? This is amazing! Wow!" Sam's whole face beamed and he couldn't sit anymore. "So when are you coming and where do you live?"

"Three weeks from now. Jo will live in the dormitory and Ellen and I are living above the bar we are opening in Stanford."

"You what?"

"Why so surprised? We need money and a place to live."

"So you're telling me my uncle and aunt are opening a bar in Stanford with their flat right above it?"

"Yes."

"Awesome! Now I really can tell the ladies and gentlemen that I don't live far away." Dean laughed.

"Don't you dare to get laid in my flat, boy."

Sam just shook his head. "These are really great news. If you need our help just let us know, okay?"

"Will do. Need to hang up now. Still some stuff to do. See ya soon ya idjits." And he hang up.

Sam still smiled. "Wow, I can't believe it. They're really coming."

Dean returned his brother's smile. "Yes, they really are."


	5. Chapter 4

A/N: And the next chapter.

Thanks to all the people, who read this story. I'd be happy if you could leave a quick feedback to let me know if you like the story or what you think about it. That would help me with writing the next chapters - finals are over, yeay :)  
Enjoy reading,

JenLee

* * *

After Bobby's call Dean finally was on his way to Cas. He still felt guilty for not being there yesterday, but he'd make it up. With a quick message he let Charlie know that he'll be there in less than 20 minutes.

On his way to the hospital Dean thought about Bobby, Ellen and Jo. Their little and broken, but lovely family would be together again. After years of distance he finally had his family back. Of course they were never really gone, but it still was hard to live that far away from each other. Now every person he deeply cares about will be within reach. Life could be so perfect. If only Cas..

Dean sighed. He did not want to think about it as long as there is no real reason for it.

It took Dean more than 20 minutes (he could not get past the pastry shop without buying some pie) to the hospital.

"Hey! How are my favorite people today?"

"You're late."

Dean looked sheepishly at Charlie and hold up the brown paper bag. "Love me some pie."

His red-haired best friend rolled her eyes and grinned. "You and your pie. Whatever. I'll leave you guys alone. It's been a long day for me." She gave Cas a hug and a kiss on the forehead.

"See you tomorrow."

Castiel smiled. "Thank you, Charlie."

"That's what friends are for. You ever got a problem, you call me. Now have some fun with that pie-eating monster. Bye, bitches!"

Both Dean and Castiel grinned.

"Heya Cas."

"Hello Dean."

The Winchester sat down on the chair Charlie had used. "Sorry for being late, but I brought us some pie!"

"Don't worry Dean. I had good company."

Dean immediately felt guilty again. "Hey, Cas. Listen. I am sorry. I haven't seen your messages yesterday. Other-"

"Dean", Cas interrupted him "it's okay. I had good company. You have a life outside the hospital, so stop feeling guilty. I'm not mad at all. It was not that urgent. I just had.. a hard time last night."

Dean sighed and put the pie on the small table next to Castiel's bed. "First of all, buddy, you're not my "hospital life" okay? You're my friend and if you need someone to talk to I'm happy to be the one. So stop thinking that you'd be a burden for me or, much worse, a patient. You can call me at any time. Mostly I'm answering my phone, but yesterday was kinda an exception. I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me, but it's in the past. We can't change that anymore, but I am here now. Let's talk or have some fun or eat some pie. Whatever you want, dude. I'm all yours, but please stop thinking that you're one of my patients."

"Okay." Castiel said and took Dean's hand to squeeze it. A warm feeling flowed through his body and Dean could not classify this new sensation. His cheeks began to burn and before it got worse he took his hand out of Castiel's grip and grinned, hoping that Cas did not recognize his odd behavior. Of course Cas did not say a word, but he looked at Dean questioningly and tilted his head to the side, like he always did. Dean had to grin a bit about that fact. Now a small frown appeared on Cas's face, he was confused. Well, he was not the only one, but before Cas could ask any questions, Dean took the brown bag again and unpacked it.

"Do you wanna tell me why you wanted to talk to me yesterday?" _Awesome change of topic, Winchester!_

"I..I guess. If you'd like to hear it."

"Dude, start talking. I'm listening." Dean put some pie on the table again for Cas to eat and started to dig in in his own piece of delicious cherry pie.

Castiel looked down at his blanket, his hands nervously playing with it. Dean raised an eyebrow.

"Cas?"

"They called my father yesterday."

 _Oh._ Dean grew stiff and he put away his pie. Only too well could he remember Mr. Novak. This was another reason why Dean and Cas became best friends quickly. Both had lost their mothers when they were little and both had not got the best fathers. Mr. Novak was always pretty strict. It was important for him that Castiel or his older brothers, Michael and Gabriel, were good at school, extremely polite and eloquent. Gabriel was the only one who never gave a shit about his father's wishes. Mr. Novak disowned him pretty fast when Gabriel turned 18. Micheal has always been the obedient one, but Castiel started to think for his own when he met Dean. His father hated Dean and he forbid Castiel to meet that _filthy boy_ ever again. That was the beginning of Castiel's small rebellion.

Dean never knew how it ended, though. If Cas was successful or not. Their ways parted.

Even though Dean did not know what happened between Cas and his father during the last years he knew the news Cas was going to tell him were not good.

"What happened?"

Castiel shrugged. "He does not care."

"Excuse me?"

"He just does not care, Dean. He does not care that I'm going to di-"

"Don't."

"Dean.."

Dean held up a hand and looked away. "No, just don't, please."

Castiel sighed. "Please look at me."

There was no reaction of his opponent. "Dean, please."

Slowly Dean raised his head and locked eyes with Castiel. His blue eyes were sad and full of regret. It hurt Dean to see Cas like that.

"It'll happen, Dean."

"I don't wanna talk about that."

"Why?"

"Because."

"So you want to ignore the fact that I'm dy-"

"I'm not ignoring it, I just don't wanna talk about it. Drop it, Cas."

"I won't because we have to talk about it, Dean. It won't change a thing if we go on like nothing is going to happen. We both know that."

Dean clenched his hands.

"Don't do that." He heard Castiel say after a few seconds. He questioningly raised an eyebrow.

"You did not change a bit." A small and kind of sad smile appeared on Cas's lips. "You never liked "chick-flick" moments, talking about feelings and stuff. You always walked away from problems."

"That ain't true."

Castiel chuckled. "We both know it is." The green-eyed man grumbled. "There is not a reason to not talk about it."

"Cas, just drop it, okay? Did you talk to Dr. Roché? Is it okay to leave the hospital?", he tried to change the topic.

"No. I won't because it will happen. I'm going to-"

"STOP IT!"

Castiel immediately froze and looked at Dean with big eyes. The other man was now standing in the hospital room, hands clenched. "I said I don't wanna talk about it."

"Dean.." Now it was Castiel's time to stand up. He walked around his bed and stopped right in front of Dean. "Sooner or later we have to talk about it."

"I prefer later."

Castiel chuckled and shook his head. "Listen, Dean. It is okay. I'm okay. I understand."

Dean's heart tightened. "Cas.."

"No, let me talk, please." He waited until Dean gave a small nod.

"When I found out that I got FFI I was devastated. I'm not lying about that. It is hard to know that you're going to die." Dean flinched and looked away.

"Don't look away, please." Only slowly Dean locked eyes with Cas again and saw him smile.

"You need to face it. You need to face the fact that I am going to die. I did it, too. It was not easy, though. I thought it was unfair. I asked myself why _me_? Why do I have to die? I'm only 30 that is not fair. I don't want to die.."

Cas took a few breathes before he went on. "I mourned. I mourned for several days after I realized it won't change anything. It is not easy to know that you're going to die, but I tried to make the best of it. And then I started to ask myself other questions. Why are you mourning? Why are you not living your life as long as you are still able to do it? Self pity is not wrong. I'm not saying that and I still do it from time to time, but it's a waste of time if it gains the upper hand. So I decided to stop it. Stop the mourning, the self pitying. I tried to accept the fact that I am going do die. And after a few days I understood it, Dean. I understood the meaning of life. I knew I could not change the fact of dying, but I knew I could change the way of living. And I did.

I understand now that it is not important how much time I've got left. It is important what I do with my time. I try to see everything with different eyes now. I got richer and richer day after day and I don't mean money. I mean experiences. I started to listen to the wind, I started _to see_ the wind, Dean! It is unbelievable. I never thought you could see it. They way it moves the leaves or the people. Yes, wind can move people. Did you know that? Me neither. But now, now I can see it! All the things I thought were not important in life are now the things I love to discover and experience. I started to live after I accept to die. We only get one life, Dean. If it's for 80 years or 30. Only one life and I'm living it as long as I still can. And to do that I have to face my death. I don't want to be scared for the rest of my life, I want to live."

Cas took Dean's hand and his eyes were shining. "You're with me, Dean? Let's make it right. Don't be afraid, live with me. Will you do that?"

Dean's mouth was agape. He could not think clear at the moment. Everything what Cas said. It was true, he knew it, but it still was hard. Damn it, yes. He was afraid. He did not want to lose his best friend again and with ignoring Castiel's illness he ignored his feelings, too. Again. Cas was right, Dean had not change a bit. But can you blame him?

"Dean?" A little squeeze brought him back to reality.

"Don't waste it with being afraid.."

Cas smiled. "Yes."

Yes. Castiel was right. Dean was wasting his time with his best friend while being afraid. It still was hard, though. He still did not want to think about it, but he would try his best to make Cas happy. To make himself happy.

He squeezed Cas's hands unconsciously. "Okay."

Cas started to beam.

"I mean.. I.. I still need some time to accept your... you know, but I'll try."

The blue-eyed man nodded. "Of course. How about starting with saying it?"

"Say what?"

"That I'm dying."

"Cas..."

"Try it, Dean."

Dean bit his lip and looked away, his hands were still hold by Cas's. "You're.. you're going to..to.." He took a deep breath. "Die. You're going to die." Dean slowly looked at Castiel again and he saw his friend smiling.

"It's natural Dean. That is what you have to pay for living. Let's not waste our time with being afraid."

And without controlling it, Dean started to smile a bit. "Let's live."


	6. Chapter 5

A/N: Not beta'd.

Enjoy,

JenLee

* * *

It was strange. Since his conversation with Cas about his death Dean felt lighter. He was not accepting it at the fullest, but he tried to understand it. He still needed some time, though.

Two weeks have passed after said conversation.

Dean and Cas started to hang out outside of the hospital, after Dr. Roché or Balthazar, how Cas started to call him, ( _'Why the fuck is he calling you Cassie?' - 'I guess we are friends now.' - 'Mhmpf'_ ) gave them his okay.

"Okay, what do you wanna do today?"

"I was thinking about visiting the park."

"We've been there the day before yesterday."

"I know, but I liked it."

Dean shrugged and started Baby. "The park it is."

The drive was silent, as always. Dean and Cas never talked much during their drives. It was not a uncomfortable silence, though. Cas loved to listen to the world while they were driving.

 _'Dean, can you hear it?' - 'What?' - 'Everything. Your Impala, the radio, our breathing, the wind, the birds, the people. The world is living and we are part of it. We are the reason why the world can live! Isn't that amazing?'_

It was making Castiel happy and that made Dean happy.

They arrived at the park 10 minutes later and started to walk towards their little spot they have found a few days ago. For Dean it was normal. They will pass the small playground for children, saw some people with their dogs on a big meadow. After that they'll walk for another 10 minutes until they reached a big lake. Some people were boating on it or some were swimming in it. They won't stop walking until they reached their small bench near the lake.

Cas on the contrary saw more than that. He saw how the children enjoyed the time with their friends and family. How much fun and joy they experienced just by having their loved ones around.

He also saw the utterly and blind trust the dogs had towards their owner and the love they received. He saw how the nature helped the people to be happy, how it helped them to enjoy their life or short to _live_. Let it be the wind, who helped the boating people a bit with little pushes or the water and its small waves to bring them forward so that they can reach their goals with less effort. Or just let it be the sun, who shared its warm with all the creatures of the world to make their day more relaxing and warmer.

Cas saw more than others.

"So..", Dean started after Cas was done with taking his environment in. "how you're feeling today? Did you get some sleep?"

It was Dean's usually question and he always hoped for a good answer. Castiel's head-shaking told Dean otherwise.

"I had a hard time to fell asleep yesterday. I think I managed to get an hour? I'm not sure anymore." Castiel yawned.

"Dude, why didn't you tell me before? We shouldn't have come to the park today. You need some rest. Let's got back to the hospital." Dean was on his legs when Cas caught his wrist.

"No, please. I'm always glad when I can leave the hospital. I don't like it there. I mean everyone is nice, but I always feel imprisoned. Can't I rest here? You'll be here, right? So if anything happens I'm not alone." Castiel looked at Dean with his big, blue eyes. Hell, how can someone say no to someone, who looked like a kicked puppy?

"Damn it, Cas." He sat down on the bench. "You'll be the death of me."

Castiel chuckled and closed is eyes, enjoying the warm sunbeams on his face. "I like this."

"What? Being the death of me?"

Cas snorted and opened one eye to look at Dean's stupidly smiling face. "Next to being the death of you I also like enjoying the warmth on my face. Listening to the nature. Being part of it. Being here with you. It relaxes me."

Dean's smile softened. "That's good."

Cas closed his eyes again and Dean could see his body relaxing under the sun. He did not know why, but Dean just could not bring himself to look away. It was like being under a spell. Every part of Cas's body was relaxed and his lips formed a small smile. The sunbeams were kissing his skin and Cas was humming some melody Dean did not know. It sounded like some classic song.

Cas looked beautiful.

Suddenly Dean felt the urge to touch Castiel. To run his hand through that dark mess on top of his best friends head or to just be a little closer. His cheeks burned after the realization of his thoughts. He immediately looked away and hoped that Cas did not notice any of Dean's starring. He did not. Cas was still sitting there, humming with his eyes closed.

What the heck was he thinking? Cas and beautiful? Well, Dean would be a liar if he said otherwise. Castiel really was an handsome man. His well formed cheekbones, those full, chapped but still kissable ( _kissable?!_ ) looking lips, his five 'o clock shadow, that messy dark brown hair, which you cannot tame whether how often you try to, and his eyes. Goddammit, yes. His eyes. So big and blue. When Castiel was looking right into your eyes it always felt like he was looking right into your soul. It was mesmerizing. Dean loved his best friend's eyes.

Again Dean felt how his face began to warm up and it was not the sun's fault. Okay, so he kinda found his best friend attractive. And? A lot of people found their best friends attractive. So there was nothing wrong by finding Castiel hot.

 _HOT?!_ God fucking dammit. Where the fuck came this from?

Dean shook is head to get rid of those thoughts.

'Calm down, Winchester', he thought. He gave himself a few seconds before he looked at Castiel again. He stopped humming, but his smile did not leave his face. He seemed more relaxed than a few minutes ago and his mouth was a little agape. It took Dean a few more seconds (and it was not because of Cas's hotness) to realize that he fell asleep. A rush of warmth flowed through his body and he could not stop himself from smiling.

Cas looked so calm while asleep. You could see the small bags under his eyes, which made him look older than he was. He looked so vulnerable. Without realizing what he was going to do, Dean moved closer to Cas. He was about to grip his shoulders carefully, but he stopped in mid-air. Slowly, Dean searched for his phone, opened his camera and took a photo of Cas. His cheeks turned red again, but he tried not to think about the fact that he just took a photo of his sleeping best friend because he looked beautiful.

Since when has he become so gay?

"Keep it together, Winchester", he mumbled under his breath and gripped Castiel's shoulders carefully. With a trained move he managed to lay Castiel down all over the bench with his head resting in his lap. The dark-haired man stirred a little, but did not wake up. The opposite. He moved a little to get more comfy in Dean's lap.

Dean's heart was hammering against is chest and his cheeks just did not want to lose its red tone.

'This is totally normal', he was soothing himself. 'Nothing wrong with Castiel sleeping with his head in my lap.'

That's what friends are doing, right? Helping each other. Dean tried to ignore the looks from some people, who passed them. All of them were smiling and watching him in a disgustingly adorable way.

"Son of a bitch." He turned even redder now.

A small sigh brought him back to reality and he looked down at Cas. He still was asleep, but something bothered him. Maybe a bad dream?

Dean hesitantly run his hand through Castiel's hair. He froze in mid-air when his best friend stirred. Damn, he woke him up!

But Cas did not open his eyes. He reached for Dean's contact while asleep instead. Again Dean let his hand ran through the messy hair. It was so soft. Dean grinned when Cas leaned in to his touch and smiled happily in his sleep.

"Look at this, you're like a cat, dude", he whispered and went on with running is hand through Cas's hair. It was soothing for both of them. Let those people stare, he did not care anymore.

* * *

Some time during petting Cas and waiting for him to wake up again Dean fell asleep, too. The sky was getting darker and it got a little chillier when Dean opened his eyes.

His neck was hurting and his legs fell asleep.

"Damn it...", he yawned.

"Hello, Dean."

"Holy fucking shit, Cas!" Dean looked down at his friend, who was looking at him questioningly.

"Jesus, don't do that ever again." He put a hand over his heart and tried to calm himself down.

"What?"

"Scare me. Duh."

Castiel tilted his head a bit, still lying in Dean's lap. "It was not my intention to scare you."

Dean laughed a bit. "Geez, Cas. I know. It just happened. Damn, would you mind getting up? My legs fell asleep."

"Of course, I am sorry." Cas got up and Dean could not suppress the groan, which escaped his throat. He immediately regretted it when he saw the look on Cas's face. Guilt.

"Hey, hey. Buddy. Don't worry. It's okay, nothing bad."

Cas cast down his eyes.

'Awesome, Winchester. Now he looks like a kicked puppy.'

"Cas, really. It is okay."

"I made you uncomfortable."

"What? No! I mean I was the one who made you rest in my lap."

Castile raised an eyebrow. "You did? I thought I moved while being asleep."

Ahh, damn. Dean's face started to warm up again. "I.. ehm. I.. I thought it would be more comfortable for you.. so.. so I kinda decided to put your..head..in..my..lap..", he stuttered. Since when became he such a girl?!

"So I got laid by you."

Dean's eyes bulged out and he looked at Cas shocked. "W-what?!"

It started with small giggles, but Cas could not hold his laughter anymore. He threw his head back and started to laugh. A full, loud and earnest laugh.

Only now Dean realized that Cas made a fucking joke.

"Son of a bitch!" He punched his best friend's shoulder and started to laugh, too. "You little dork made a fucking joke! What the hell, dude!" Dean needed to stop when a new wave of laughter hit him again.

Cas was laughing so hard that he started to cry.

"Y-your face! You.. haha! You should have seen your face, Dean! Hilarious!"

"Pfff, I'm beautiful, bitch!"

Castiel started to laugh even more and Dean grinned like an idiot. Cas hadn't laughed like that since he has been taken to the hospital and that was weeks ago. It took Castiel a few minutes to calm himself down. He wiped his tears away and took a big breath.

"Okay, I think I calmed down." He still was grinning, though.

"Well, I'm glad I could be the reason of your big outburst."

Cas just smiled at him and Dean had to look away because he felt how his cheeks turned red again. The fuck was wrong with his fucking cheeks today?!

"It got pretty late."

"Huh?"

"The sun is setting." Cas pointed towards the horizon.

"Geez, what time is it?" A look at his watch told him that they were asleep for 5 whole hours! Well, Dean was asleep for 5 hours. Cas had been awake when Dean woke up.

"How long did you sleep?" Oh Lord, please let it be at least 2 hours.

Cas could feel Dean's worry. He took Dean's hand and squeezed it. "I only woke up a few minutes before you."

The Winchester's eyes grew big. "You tell me you slept 5 hours at a time?"

Cas grinned and nodded.

"How?! Damn it! I mean, this is fucking amazing! But just how?"

"I don't know", his opponent shrugged. "I felt good. I was relaxed. There was a time where I thought I would wake up again, but somehow I didn't. I suddenly was at peace." Cas looked at their hands.

Could that be? The moment when Dean started to ran his hand through Cas's hair. Could that be the reason why he didn't wake up? Dean was also looking at their combined hands.

He did not care as long as Castiel did get some sleep.

"This is good." Dean said and started to stroke little circles with his thumb over the back of Cas's hand. Both men just starred into each other eyes not saying a word. They did not know how long they sat there and just starred at each other until Castiel's phone started to ring.

"Oh, ehm, sorry.." Cas took his hand out of Dean's and searched for his phone. Dean suddenly had no idea what he should do with his hand. He still could feel Cas's hand in his. He wanted to hold his best friend's hand again. Who the fuck was interrupting them?

"Hello?", Dean heard Castiel answering his phone.

"Oh, hello Balthazar." The blue-eyed man apologetically looked at Dean, while Dean just raised an eyebrow. Why the hell is Dr. Roché calling Cas?

He did not know why, but he didn't like it a bit. Annoyed Dean crossed his arms in front of his chest and waited until Cas was done with talking to Dr. Roché.

"I'm at the park. No, with Dean. Yes, we fell asleep. No, I'm fine. Balthazar." Dean rolled his eyes. "Okay, yes. See you at the hospital then. Bye."

Castiel sighed. "I'm sorry Dean, but we need to head back to the hospital. Balthazar wants to talk to me."

"Mhmpf."

"Dean?"

"What?"

Castiel grinned. "Are you jealous?"

"Whaaaat?!" The Winchester stood up. "Me and jealous of Dr. Roché? Bitch please. Now let's go, your boyfriend is waiting for you."

"He is not my boyfriend."

"Whatever." Dean started to walk back.

"Dean?"

He did not expect Castiel to be that close to him. His heart started to beat faster.

"Thank you for today. I had a lot of fun."

"We were sleeping."

Castiel just grinned, but did not move away.

"We should probably go.." Dean said, while looking into Cas's blue eyes. What the hell was happening?

"Yes, we should."

When Cas suddenly leaned in his head started to work again.

"Dude, personal space."

Castiel blinked a few times, but backed off. Dean instantly felt cold and bad.

"I'm sorry. Let's go." And with those words Cas passed Dean.

'Awesome, Winchester.'


End file.
